Romantic Relationships
Making the decision to move to Italy as a potentially single American woman will be new and exciting especially in regards to finding a romantic partner. While not all men or women act in a certain way, we are here to share our personal observations and research on the dynamics of romantic partners in Italian culture. It is crucial to look at specific act sequences of couples that we have observed at different locations in order to come to a better understanding of how couples publicly interact on a daily basis. Dominance and power can be observed in the simplest of actions in a romantic relationship whether that is seen in who walks in front of the other partner or who makes the decision to stop and take a picture of his or her significant other. Moreover, nonverbal gestures and body language give insight into the power dynamics of a relationship by displaying to others who is the protector and/or decision-maker. We will draw on these ideas in order to prepare you for what love looks like in Italy.
Who takes the lead?
In the early stages of dating, men and women will explore public displays of affection, which includes anything from hugging to holding hands to kissing. Through our two months of observations of couples in Italy, we have seen the pattern of men taking the lead in hand holding, initiating kisses and leading the women in directing where they should walk. Even though it may seem like a small decision for men to take the lead in public displays of affection in romantic relationships, it is important to realize that each culture has norms in regards to gender roles that have ties to history, religion, social structure and power status. Thus, Italian culture will naturally differ from other countries’ norms in regards to gender roles due to each culture’s unique history and lifestyle. According to research it is believed that,
Within many cultures romantic heterosexual love is often used to organize gender relations, normalize issues of male dominance and control, and promote conventional ideas of masculinity and femininity, thus ideologically legitimating the subordination of women to men (Gius and Lalli 2014, p. 56).
By reinforcing stereotypes of male dominance in public displays of affection, couples will continue to promote these gender roles.
Ideas of femininity and masculinity in Italian culture are displayed clearly in domestic abuse cases within romantic relationships. The Italian media, whether that be printed news or newscasts on TV, tend to downplay the severity of domestic abuse cases and instead sometimes explain the reasoning of the motives of why the males lashed out at the women; this not only disrespects the women whose lives were shattered or taken away by the force of a man, but it also shows Italian society that domestic abuse cases are not too severe or worth the time for public discourse. It’s noted that, “Building on previous literature, our hypothesis is that love and passion, as opposed to power and possession, are more likely to be used in the press as acceptable explanations for femicide…” (Gius and Lalli 2014, p. 56). Gius and Lalli proceed to point to the idea that Italian society has an easier time blaming passion and intense emotion as reasons why men would lash out physically at women rather than power because society would rather cling onto an understanding of the crime as something out of love rather than the complete opposite. These domestic abuse cases are extreme representations of gender inequality and differences in power; what you will be experiencing in regards to love in Italy is the daily interactions you’ll have in a romantic relationship as we will proceed to explain. It is important though to be aware of these misrepresentations of power and love in the media though when you arrive and start learning the Italian language and start reading and watching the news.
Public Displays of Affection Caught on Record
Before you know the Italian language, the best way to learn about Italian interactions in a romantic relationship are through observing couples’ public displays of affection. Nonverbal romantic gestures are very common in cafes, parks, buses and restaurants; do not be alarmed to see a couple whether they are in their 20’s or in their 40’s kissing by a fountain while flocks of people walk by. So in order to better prepare yourself for Italian love, we are here to share with you some personal observations of Italian couples that we hope will shed some light onto future encounters and experiences in the dating world.
While sipping coffee at a local café one afternoon, we observed a couple’s intimate interaction; the man not only let his wife take a seat first, but he also ordered for the couple and hand-delivered the drink to his wife before he even sat down. As they proceed to interact we observed that, “he then hunches over and leans in over the table and places his hands on the woman’s knees” (February 17, 2015). These series of actions not only display the man’s dominance in the situation, but his decision to make the first move by placing his hands on her knees underneath the table also shows his protection and dominance over the woman. Another similar situation of dominance unfolded at Piazza Barberini in which, “I notice a couple in which a taller man takes the lead in the hand holding with his wife or girlfriend. He leads her towards their destination by stepping in front of her while they walk” (February 16, 2015). This simple choice to take the outside, leading hand while holding hands in a public place sends the message to outsiders that the man is literally taking the lead in their relationship in regards to physical acts of love and hand gestures. Not only is the couple enjoying the act of holding hands, but it is evident that the man is at times pulling her towards their destination without verbally communicating to her and thus showing more power in their walking situation.
In examining one last observation of a couple’s interactions, it is important to examine a couple’s act sequence at a particular time and place in order to further draw conclusions on ideas of male dominance and power in romantic relationships. At Peter’s Square we observed a couple that walked “hand in hand but do not talk or look at each other. The man stops and takes out his camera and she poses in front of the columns. However, she does not smile at all or change her facial or body movement for the picture. Afterwards, he grabs her hand and they once again walk in silence without expression towards the end of the long line” (January 27, 2015). In this three minute interaction, the couple does not speak to each other and therefore relies solely on hand gestures and physical objects such as the man’s camera as cues to initiate a certain act. The camera is used as a cue to stop and take a picture; the woman also gives the man the power to start or stop taking pictures at any time and for him to reach out for her hand and start walking away. The woman in this romantic relationship is a representation of a woman’s delicate femininity whether she knows it or not. From an outsider’s perspective, I see her silence and compliance to her boyfriend’s gestures as obedience to his power and to his decision-making process in how the couple interacts. Thus, no matter how big or small of a hand gesture or public display of affection, male dominance can be seen in many Italian couple interactions. However, ideas of power and dominance do not have to be associated with negativity in Italian culture; gender roles and norms will continue to exist in society even if it is seen in the smallest of acts.
Comparing the Familiar to the Unfamiliar
Whether you say you will have an open mind to the new Italian culture that awaits you or not, it is almost impossible to not compare Italian romantic relationships to American romantic relationships. As humans we cling to the familiar and the known because that is what we know to be the norms in our particular culture. However, once you step onto a plane and head to Italy, you will no longer be experiencing American culture and thus you will have to be more willing to learn about different aspects of Italian culture that differ from your own culture.
According to the Semantic Content of Cultural Discourses, meanings about relating and relationships draw on the ideas that it is an analyst’s duty to “explore how relationships are presumed and engaged in communication practices” (Carbaugh, 2007, p. 175). This means that as observers of a new culture, we need to try to learn how different people in relationships such as romantic relationships communicate and interact with one another that shows to outsiders that they are in fact dating. When my colleagues and I first landed in Italy, we were used to seeing American romantic relationships. American romantic relationships are more reserved in public displays of affection and are less inclined to be seen making out on a public bus, train or by a populated fountain. By making comparisons, we realized that we were drawing on a comparative mode of cultural discourse analysis in which we were comparing our own experiences of romantic relationship back in the United States to our current observations in Italy (Carbaugh, 2007, p. 172). A comparative mode can be helpful at first in giving advice for your transition as an American women moving to Italy, but as time progresses and you get situated in your new Italian life, you will start to make less and less comparisons to life back home in the United States. For example, at first you may take note of couples who are publicly kissing around the city, but as we have seen ourselves doing, we now walk right past those “normal” daily interactions that make up a typical day in Italy on the streets and you soon will too.
Drinking the Italian Love Potion
In making your transition into the dating world in Italy, we want to advise you on observations and findings that we have found to be norms in Italian culture. First, do not be alarmed if men call you “beautiful” on the streets, if men ask you for your number on the street, if men ask to take you out to dinner the moment they meet you or if men tell you “I think I’m in love” after talking for 10 minutes at a bar. These direct and forward actions are not as common back in the United States so if you are uninterested in these men then just keep walking past them.
Secondly, do not be quick to judge couples that are enjoying public displays of affection. In the United States it is uncommon to see young couples or even middle-aged couples making out near a fountain or in a park but it is more common to see those types of actions here in Italy. These actions are more accepted here and in time you may even be inclined to express your love with your partner through public displays of affection.
Lastly, touch in any form, whether that be on a knee, on a back, on a shoulder, on the hips is very common in showing a union between two partners. Touch has so much significance in letting others know that a man and a woman are in a relationship here in Italy.
Making the decision to move to Italy as a potentially single American woman will be new and exciting especially in regards to finding a romantic partner. While not all men or women act in a certain way, we are here to share our personal observations and research on the dynamics of romantic partners in Italian culture. It is crucial to look at specific act sequences of couples that we have observed at different locations in order to come to a better understanding of how couples publicly interact on a daily basis. Dominance and power can be observed in the simplest of actions in a romantic relationship whether that is seen in who walks in front of the other partner or who makes the decision to stop and take a picture of his or her significant other. Moreover, nonverbal gestures and body language give insight into the power dynamics of a relationship by displaying to others who is the protector and/or decision-maker. We will draw on these ideas in order to prepare you for what love looks like in Italy.
Who takes the lead?
In the early stages of dating, men and women will explore public displays of affection, which includes anything from hugging to holding hands to kissing. Through our two months of observations of couples in Italy, we have seen the pattern of men taking the lead in hand holding, initiating kisses and leading the women in directing where they should walk. Even though it may seem like a small decision for men to take the lead in public displays of affection in romantic relationships, it is important to realize that each culture has norms in regards to gender roles that have ties to history, religion, social structure and power status. Thus, Italian culture will naturally differ from other countries’ norms in regards to gender roles due to each culture’s unique history and lifestyle. According to research it is believed that,
Within many cultures romantic heterosexual love is often used to organize gender relations, normalize issues of male dominance and control, and promote conventional ideas of masculinity and femininity, thus ideologically legitimating the subordination of women to men (Gius and Lalli 2014, p. 56).
By reinforcing stereotypes of male dominance in public displays of affection, couples will continue to promote these gender roles.
Ideas of femininity and masculinity in Italian culture are displayed clearly in domestic abuse cases within romantic relationships. The Italian media, whether that be printed news or newscasts on TV, tend to downplay the severity of domestic abuse cases and instead sometimes explain the reasoning of the motives of why the males lashed out at the women; this not only disrespects the women whose lives were shattered or taken away by the force of a man, but it also shows Italian society that domestic abuse cases are not too severe or worth the time for public discourse. It’s noted that, “Building on previous literature, our hypothesis is that love and passion, as opposed to power and possession, are more likely to be used in the press as acceptable explanations for femicide…” (Gius and Lalli 2014, p. 56). Gius and Lalli proceed to point to the idea that Italian society has an easier time blaming passion and intense emotion as reasons why men would lash out physically at women rather than power because society would rather cling onto an understanding of the crime as something out of love rather than the complete opposite. These domestic abuse cases are extreme representations of gender inequality and differences in power; what you will be experiencing in regards to love in Italy is the daily interactions you’ll have in a romantic relationship as we will proceed to explain. It is important though to be aware of these misrepresentations of power and love in the media though when you arrive and start learning the Italian language and start reading and watching the news.
Public Displays of Affection Caught on Record
Before you know the Italian language, the best way to learn about Italian interactions in a romantic relationship are through observing couples’ public displays of affection. Nonverbal romantic gestures are very common in cafes, parks, buses and restaurants; do not be alarmed to see a couple whether they are in their 20’s or in their 40’s kissing by a fountain while flocks of people walk by. So in order to better prepare yourself for Italian love, we are here to share with you some personal observations of Italian couples that we hope will shed some light onto future encounters and experiences in the dating world.
While sipping coffee at a local café one afternoon, we observed a couple’s intimate interaction; the man not only let his wife take a seat first, but he also ordered for the couple and hand-delivered the drink to his wife before he even sat down. As they proceed to interact we observed that, “he then hunches over and leans in over the table and places his hands on the woman’s knees” (February 17, 2015). These series of actions not only display the man’s dominance in the situation, but his decision to make the first move by placing his hands on her knees underneath the table also shows his protection and dominance over the woman. Another similar situation of dominance unfolded at Piazza Barberini in which, “I notice a couple in which a taller man takes the lead in the hand holding with his wife or girlfriend. He leads her towards their destination by stepping in front of her while they walk” (February 16, 2015). This simple choice to take the outside, leading hand while holding hands in a public place sends the message to outsiders that the man is literally taking the lead in their relationship in regards to physical acts of love and hand gestures. Not only is the couple enjoying the act of holding hands, but it is evident that the man is at times pulling her towards their destination without verbally communicating to her and thus showing more power in their walking situation.
In examining one last observation of a couple’s interactions, it is important to examine a couple’s act sequence at a particular time and place in order to further draw conclusions on ideas of male dominance and power in romantic relationships. At Peter’s Square we observed a couple that walked “hand in hand but do not talk or look at each other. The man stops and takes out his camera and she poses in front of the columns. However, she does not smile at all or change her facial or body movement for the picture. Afterwards, he grabs her hand and they once again walk in silence without expression towards the end of the long line” (January 27, 2015). In this three minute interaction, the couple does not speak to each other and therefore relies solely on hand gestures and physical objects such as the man’s camera as cues to initiate a certain act. The camera is used as a cue to stop and take a picture; the woman also gives the man the power to start or stop taking pictures at any time and for him to reach out for her hand and start walking away. The woman in this romantic relationship is a representation of a woman’s delicate femininity whether she knows it or not. From an outsider’s perspective, I see her silence and compliance to her boyfriend’s gestures as obedience to his power and to his decision-making process in how the couple interacts. Thus, no matter how big or small of a hand gesture or public display of affection, male dominance can be seen in many Italian couple interactions. However, ideas of power and dominance do not have to be associated with negativity in Italian culture; gender roles and norms will continue to exist in society even if it is seen in the smallest of acts.
Comparing the Familiar to the Unfamiliar
Whether you say you will have an open mind to the new Italian culture that awaits you or not, it is almost impossible to not compare Italian romantic relationships to American romantic relationships. As humans we cling to the familiar and the known because that is what we know to be the norms in our particular culture. However, once you step onto a plane and head to Italy, you will no longer be experiencing American culture and thus you will have to be more willing to learn about different aspects of Italian culture that differ from your own culture.
According to the Semantic Content of Cultural Discourses, meanings about relating and relationships draw on the ideas that it is an analyst’s duty to “explore how relationships are presumed and engaged in communication practices” (Carbaugh, 2007, p. 175). This means that as observers of a new culture, we need to try to learn how different people in relationships such as romantic relationships communicate and interact with one another that shows to outsiders that they are in fact dating. When my colleagues and I first landed in Italy, we were used to seeing American romantic relationships. American romantic relationships are more reserved in public displays of affection and are less inclined to be seen making out on a public bus, train or by a populated fountain. By making comparisons, we realized that we were drawing on a comparative mode of cultural discourse analysis in which we were comparing our own experiences of romantic relationship back in the United States to our current observations in Italy (Carbaugh, 2007, p. 172). A comparative mode can be helpful at first in giving advice for your transition as an American women moving to Italy, but as time progresses and you get situated in your new Italian life, you will start to make less and less comparisons to life back home in the United States. For example, at first you may take note of couples who are publicly kissing around the city, but as we have seen ourselves doing, we now walk right past those “normal” daily interactions that make up a typical day in Italy on the streets and you soon will too.
Drinking the Italian Love Potion
In making your transition into the dating world in Italy, we want to advise you on observations and findings that we have found to be norms in Italian culture. First, do not be alarmed if men call you “beautiful” on the streets, if men ask you for your number on the street, if men ask to take you out to dinner the moment they meet you or if men tell you “I think I’m in love” after talking for 10 minutes at a bar. These direct and forward actions are not as common back in the United States so if you are uninterested in these men then just keep walking past them.
Secondly, do not be quick to judge couples that are enjoying public displays of affection. In the United States it is uncommon to see young couples or even middle-aged couples making out near a fountain or in a park but it is more common to see those types of actions here in Italy. These actions are more accepted here and in time you may even be inclined to express your love with your partner through public displays of affection.
Lastly, touch in any form, whether that be on a knee, on a back, on a shoulder, on the hips is very common in showing a union between two partners. Touch has so much significance in letting others know that a man and a woman are in a relationship here in Italy.